Embracing The Unplanned Path

Can you be childless and happy?

Are childless couples more likely to divorce?

What do childless adults do with their lives?

When will I know I've accepted it?

What will happen to me when I am old?

These are just some of the questions that come up in consultations and conversations with people who are childless or child free not by choice.

And, of course, why am I qualified to help you find these answers for yourself?

If there has been a life challenge milestone to hit, well, I think I've collected just about all of them. My nervous system was shot to hell. I started getting burnout in high school. Just trying to hold it all together all the time. Life at home, was tough.

In my 20s I couldn't commit to a relationship, I went through an intense period of limerence for some boy who really did not deserve my attention and who used me, because he could. Addicts, well, they were my kryptonite. 

When I met my ex husband in my late 20s, I was moving back to the UK after 18 years of living in South Africa and so I needed the stability even though we lived 2 hours apart for the first 2 years.

My first redundancy lead me to retraining as a clinical hypnotherapist. I have  always been fascinated with the brain and why we behave the way we do, why we think the way we do, why we have repeating patterns. I have searched through every spiritual, religious, occult practice - every alternative healing practice and I still couldn't shift things that were holding me back.

Now, imagine, on top of all this other life stuff - you just want to start a family, be a mother and your body "lets you down" and your husband isn't as committed to the programme as you. You bounce from GP to GP - test to test. To be told: "you just need to lose weight." " your intense period pain will right itself when you get pregnant." "there's no medical reason why you can't fall pregnant, other than your geriatric eggs."

Being told that in your postcode, you missed the cut off for NHS funded IVF last year - when going through the tests. Then needing to decide if the savings you have should go on trying to have the baby you want despite the super high failure rate. Maybe a little trip to a Norwegian clinic to save £5k is the answer. Ultimately, deciding that the risk was too high due to the failure rate.

After that I took my health into my own hands more, I did some at home blood tests and discovered that my vit d levels were at almost zero... a known infertility marker. (Thanks for the wasted 2 years NHS). I supplemented at really high levels for 6 weeks and became pregnant first time. MIRACLE!

I knew, however, my progesterone was a problem, but couldn't get doctors to listen as it was not registered as such by their standards. So 6 weeks later, the inevitable miscarriage occurred. DEVASTATION. Doesn't even describe it.

Within 11 months, my marriage broke down further, it wasn't on a good foundation to start. I decided to choose myself, my happiness, my life. 9 months later, lockdown happened, where I needed to be in a bubble with the man I'd asked for a divorce from. And to top it off, I was made redundant again, mere months after having a full blown, dark night of the soul breakdown in an office of over 1000 people because I couldn't get out of my situation at home due to financial circumstances and I was still deeply grieving the loss of my planned future.

Acceptance was easy. Grieving that acceptance was not. 

Even as many as 4 years after the miscarriage my body remembered the exact date it happened and I cried uncontrollably for the loss. I thought I had laid it to rest and it just came out of nowhere. 

Grief. Loss of identity. Isolation. Panic Attacks. Depression. Anxiety. Self Hatred. Anger. Proper Rage. Coping Mechanisms. Risky Behaviour. So Many Tears.

I've got the badge, the stripes, the scars.

Then, one day....

Peace descended. Joy followed. Fulfilment called my name.

Life was good. 

I have rebuilt, recreated and embraced my unplanned life and I'm enjoying it.

And you can too.

Schedule your free initial consult